You Don't See Me
by beatlebun
Summary: When the heart cracks, it heals. When it breaks, the breaker takes a piece with them and only to be reunited means the heart will be whole again.
1. Stuck in Reverse

**When you lose something you can't replace  
>-<strong>Fix You - Coldplay -

* * *

><p>It is a weak smile, really, as he turns around and faces his students. Yes, he has always liked to teach and yes, he sincerely cares about his students, and his colleagues.<p>

However, none of those students will ever fulfill him, none of his colleagues will ever truly _know _him, for he never shows anyone who he really is.

They've never seen his real smile, so they settle for the grin they know and they believe that grin. Often times he wonders if anyone notices how it never reaches his eyes.

He is very good at acting you see, as that was a career he once wished to pursue. So maybe the grin does reach his eyes a little bit, but no one knows that smile that would light up the room.

Or so he was told, years ago. Years ago he was told his smile could light up the room.

He misses that smile. Can you miss your own smile? Maybe you can if you know that smile will cause another smile on another ones gorgeous face.

But only that gorgeous face though, only that gorgeous face was ever allowed to see that smile that would light up the room.

He will never smile that smile for anyone but him.

Sometimes, when he is alone in his bed at night, he wonders what that gorgeous face is doing right now. He wonders if that gorgeous face is showing someone else that cute little thing his nose does when he giggles. He wonders if someone else can see the beautiful way his tongue sticks out of the corner of his mouth when he concentrates hard on something.

Often, when he is alone in bed he wonders if there is someone else causing spasms that have that flawless body contract, if someone else is causing white fluid to come out of that lovely penis, he wonders if someone else is allowed to touch the way he once was allowed to touch.

He wonders if he's been replaced and left alone with nothing but regret.

And when he wonders if someone else causes spasms through that body, if someone else can make those dirty sounds come from that gorgeous mouth, if someone else is allowed to hear the high squeals only he used to know, he imagines it.

He imagines that body he knows so well. Or possibly knew so well, he figures a lot must have changed in the past few years.

And when he imagines that perfect body he has memorized completely he touches himself, he caresses his own skin the way those slender fingers used to. He twists his nipples a little harder than the way those fingertips would, but he needs to feel it. He needs to _feel_ that those fingers were there once, and that the past is not just a fragment of his imagination.

His hands will travel down, stroke his stomach softly through the bit of hair that's there, just the way those hands used to do that, and after a little while he'll take his erect member in his hand and he will start to pump it slowly at first, but faster and faster until he comes all over his stomach.

Never on the sheets, the sheets are pulled way down so they don't stain.

That gorgeous face could turn hellish evil if the sheets would ever stain. Never stain the sheets, he will never stain the sheets.

He will clean himself off immediately and then curl up within himself, never that other warm body to comfort him. Never those strong arms around wrapped tightly around his waist or draped lazily over his upper body.

After a less than satisfying orgasm he will always be alone. Never will it be satisfying because it's never that one person that touches him, that caresses and strokes him. It's always just his own hand and it's never enough.

The cuddles that he had grown so attached to all those years ago, they never come. He will always be by himself, curled up in a silly little ball. His arms will hug himself and he will cry. He will cry until he gets cold and then he'll merely tug the sheets back up and tightly around him, because that's the closest he will ever feel to that warm body again.

He will feel tired, but he barely ever sleeps after such an evening. Because he knows sleep will bring dreams, sometimes bad and sometimes good.

But it doesn't matter if the dreams are good or bad, he knows he doesn't want to dream because waking up to reality will always be hell. Even when he has nightmares, it will always be bettean r because _he _is there, the one with the gorgeous face, the perfect body and slender hands. He will be there.

So he doesn't let himself sleep, because waking up hurts worse than going through a day or two being nothing less than exhausted.

When he stays awake during the night he thinks. He reminisces and he cries. He smiles, but not that smile that lights up the room. That smile only does exist when he would be around.

He, the one that is now possibly somewhere far away, lying in some else's warm embrace.

Someone else.

He reminisces how those precious lips had promised him he'd find love in someone else.

_Your future is an unwritten book, anyone can be the one._

He doesn't know though, that book is most definitely not unwritten. There isn't written much in the book, just his name.

His name is written in this empty book, engraved in this soul and burning in this heart.

His heart is lonely when he thinks about things like that, about the past and sometimes he also lets himself think about the future. Only, unlike other lonely people he doesn't ask if he will ever meet someone anew, or anyone at all.

He merely asks when the gorgeousness will be face to face with him again. For there is no one else who will ever be enough with him.

Eventually he will drift off into a light sleep, but always he will be restless.

Last night had been such a night. A soft, breezy night with the window open and the air that caressed his skin had reminded him of the way that breath used to ghost over his skin.

So as he stands in front of his class he is doing his very best to keep his eyes open, to pay attention to what his students are asking and he turns around to write homework on the board as his world collapses and rises at the same moment.

Because one of the students asks him if he ever knew this guy that is coming to the school.

_There is this guy coming to the school, you see, who is on Broadway._

_There is this guy coming to the school who was in the Glee Club you see, and he is your age sir, and you once told us you were in Glee Club to, sir, so do you know this guy?_

_Sir? Do you know Kurt Hummel sir?_

Yes, Blaine Anderson's smile is most definitely weak as he turns around to face his students.


	2. In the Morning I Sleep Alone

**For some reason I can't explain, onc****e you were gone there was never, never ****an honest word****  
><strong>**-**Coldplay – Viva La Vida-

.

* * *

><p>"Do you, sir, do you know him?"<p>

Blaine's knees are shaking. What does he say, what should one say in such a situation?

"You must know him sir, you are the same age and he's coming to visit his old glee club."

Blaine nods slowly.

"Yes, I knew him."

"Isn't he coach Hudson's brother?"

Again, Blaine nods, but he doesn't really feel anything. Why hadn't Finn told him Kurt was coming. Or Emma or Will? All three of them know their history. All three of them know Blaine has a right to know.

Hasn't he?

"Did you know him well sir?"

Blaine's eyes seek out the quarterback in the back of the class. A boy who reminds him very, very much of a younger Finn Hudson, tall, awkward and an extremely talented singer.

Blaine still has trouble getting over how much things have changed within McKinley. Glee club isn't for losers anymore. It's not like you are on top if you are in glee club, but slushies and locker-shoving are all in the past.

In the past he shared here with Kurt.

_Yes, I know him well, I know every single freckle on his body. Do you know that supply closet across from the auditorium? That's where I learned him, where I learned how to please him, how to kiss and lick him, how to suck and fuck him._

"We were in the glee club together."

The quarterback looks at him in disbelief.

"That's all?" he asks.

"That's all," Blaine answers as he is saved by the bell.

Students leave the room as Emma walks in. She is still as gorgeous as she was ten years ago, not as skinny as back then though.

"Hey, Blaine," she says, "how are you?"

Blaine sighs and holds his desk firmly, trying to stop his knees from shaking so bad.

"Blaine, I have to tell you something," she says as she checks her watch. Blaine knows what she's come to tell. He's angry, she should've told him before the students knew. She shouldn't do this minutes before she's supposed to leave and pick the kids up from daycare. She shouldn't do this now.

"I already know," he says, "I'm fine."

"You already know?" she asks.

"Yes, I already know Kurt's coming to the school to visit his glee club, the kids just told me."

Emma nods.

"Him and Mercedes are both coming."

Blaine's eyes snap up.

"Mercedes?" he asks.

Emma nods.

"Okay. Right, does Sam know?"

"Sam's not a staff member at this school, Blaine, but as he is an employee at Hummel's tires and lube, I think he knows."

Sam might know Kurt is coming, but does he know Mercedes is coming as well? Sam, the guy who came back to Lima when his father lost his job again.

The guy who moved in with the Hudson-Hummel household because, well, because Burt and Carole are the kind of people who help out a kid in need.

It was to take away pressure from Sam's parents, so they didn't have to worry about college for Sam. With Sam being a foster child, Burt and Carole got funds to support Sam, and Burt took it on himself to train Sam to take over Hummel tires and lube, since Finn decided to pursue a career in football coaching.

It was the three of them.

_The three that stayed behind._

It's what they called themselves, after Mercedes, Rachel and Kurt left for New York.

Sam, who couldn't go because he had fell so much behind when he was out of state he failed and was stuck in senior year for another year.

Finn, who finally decided football made him happier than singing and dancing. He liked to sing and dance as a hobby, but not professionally. So somehow instead of going into professional football, he decided to become a football coach.

Blaine, the junior who would follow Kurt after a year. Blaine, who somehow did not get accepted in to NYADA. So he went to college in Cincinnati, he remained friends with Finn and Sam and when he graduated, he found a job as a teacher at McKinley.

_The three that stayed behind._

"I have to go," he tells Emma before he rushes past her and almost bumps into Will on the way out of the building.

"Blaine!" Will shouts.

"Blaine, you're supposed to help me with glee club today. You were going to assist them in writing songs."

Blaine waves his hand in the air, trying to say 'I don't fucking care what the fuck you plan with your fucking glee club', but he doesn't say it out loud.

Instead, he rushes over the parking lot to his car and drives away insanely fast.

.

* * *

><p>.<p>

"Where's Sam?"

He doesn't mean to sound so harsh to Burt Hummel, but he just realized Burt is another man he's angry at right now. He saw Burt last week when he came to pick Sam up, why didn't Burt tell him then?

"He's in the office doing paper work," Burt answers distractedly.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

Blaine snaps. He's never snapped at Burt before. Shit.

Burt pulls himself out from under the car to look up at Blaine.

"He didn't want me to."

And with that, Burt disappears under the car again.

Kurt didn't want Blaine to tell Burt. Kurt didn't want Blaine to know he was coming. Did Kurt even know Blaine is a teacher at McKinley.

"Does he know…?"

"He knows you teach there, he wants to avoid you."

Oh. Okay. Clear.

Blaine tries to shake Burt's words off him, but he can't help wonder why Kurt would want to avoid him. And why he would be so plain and honest about it.

"Sam, can we speak?" he asks as he walks into the office. It's an act he's become quite familiar with over the years. He used to come and visit Kurt here and now it's Sam. His best friend, Sam.

Sam, who is as miserable without Mercedes as Blaine is without Kurt.

They have this unspoken agreement where they don't talk about them. Sam, being sort of Burt and Carole's son, knows all about Kurt's life in New York, but he doesn't tell Blaine.

And Blaine, being a high school teacher, knows all about the gossip that surrounds a popular singer like Mercedes. He knows Mercedes is married now, he knows and he doesn't tell Blaine.

And just like that his anger with Sam fades. They don't talk about it, so even if Sam knew he wouldn't tell Blaine. They don't talk about it.

He remains angry with the rest of them, though, Finn, Emma, Will and Burt. Bury them alive sounds like a good plan thus far. Not Sam though, never Sam. Sam is in the same position as Blaine is. Mercedes is coming back.

They look at each other long and hard, before Sam gestures Blaine to come in.

They feel the need to talk, Blaine knows Mercedes is coming and Sam knows Kurt is coming.

"Do you…"? Sam starts, but he doesn't finish because Blaine already nods.

"Kurt's coming to the school," he says.

"Did they tell you who's coming with him?"

Now it's Sam's turn to nod.

Sam finishes his paper work in silence and they leave the shop together at half six, heading to their shared apartment.

Blaine heats some left over's and they eat in silence, no words are spoken because they both know they are only waiting for a decent time to head to their respective bedrooms.

Eight o'clock is to early to say 'I'll call it a night."

So is nine.

Ten, however, is a nice time to actually do so and as soon as the clock on the dvd-player hits ten Blaine shuts off the TV and they both get up, say 'good night' and head to their bedrooms.

Sometimes Blaine is so happy to have a sink in his bedroom, just so he doesn't have to share one with Sam when he brushes his teeth.

Because more than often he doesn't even feel like brushing his teeth so he skips it. It's not like there is anyone in his bed he is going to kiss anyway. It won't bother anyone.

So instead, he just takes off his clothes and let's himself fall backwards on the bed.

He tucks the sheets down because he knows it is one of those nights again. It was one of those nights last night and he had hoped for a good night sleep tonight, but then he found out about Kurt coming to town.

He doesn't even waste any time caressing himself now, though, he just grabs his dick in his hand and starts to pump. Harsh, fast, he needs to come and that's that.

He needs to come and then he needs to sleep. No staying awake tonight.

Right?

Right.

.

* * *

><p>.<p>

Except it doesn't work like that, of course he stayed awake after coming to images of Kurt. He will always stay awake after coming to images of Kurt.

So now he has had two nights of close to no sleep and it is Friday, which means he has an entire day of teaching ahead of him.

Also, he promised Will in a text last night that he would help out with glee club today.

What the fuck kind of song would he have them write?

_He's coming back  
>And he doesn't want to see me<br>I've fucked up so incredibly bad  
>And I fucking didn't sleeeeep<em>

So when he walks into the teachers' lounge during lunch he settles himself next to Finn, across from Emma and Will.

"I don't feel good, I don't think I should go home after my last class."

Will eyes him up and down.

"You promised," he says.

"I really don't feel good."

"I think you look pale," Emma says before turning to Will, "he looks pale."

Now Blaine feels Finn's eyes on him as well.

"He looks normal to me," Finn says but Blaine already stamps on his feet.

"But Burt said that you snapped at him yesterday. You never snap. I think he's ill."

Will eyes Finn suspiciously before nodding.

"Fine, go home and rest, but I will expect you to help out in rehearsal next Tuesday. Should be fun."

Blaine tries a smile and nods.

"I will be th…"

"NO HE WON'T." Finn roars.

"ARE YOU MAD MR. SCHUE?"

The entire teacher's lounge rounds on them and Finn seems to come to his senses again.

"I'm not mad and how many times do I have to tell you I'm not your teacher anymore, but your colleague. You can call me Will."

"He can't do Tuesday."

"Of course I can."

"No you can't."

"Yes he can."

"Why can't he, Finn?" Emma asks gently.

"He just can't," Finn answers.

"I would like to decide for myself whether I can or…" but then it hits Blaine.

"Kurt's here Tuesday isn't he?"

Finn is buried deep in his sandwich, but nods.

"And he doesn't want to see me, does he?"

Again, Finn nods.

"I see," Blaine says, "I'm sorry Will, I can't do Tuesday."

.

* * *

><p>.<p>

_A/N: So, here we go with my new story. It will involve a rather depressed Blaine and a very hurt and angry Kurt. Hope you enjoy and stick around :)._


	3. I Feel Stupid To Call You, But Im Lonely

**I just poured my heart out, there's bits of it on the floor**

-Sorry - Maria Mena-

**.**

* * *

><p>With Finn's outburst and the fact that Kurt is coming <em>next week <em>that made Blaine decide he would stop by Glee Club after all.

He had promised Will he would help out and if he didn't and went home instead, all he and Sam would do was mope on the couch. It was all they did ever since they found out Kurt and Mercedes were coming back to town.

But now that Blaine is here in the choir room he is rethinking his decision and he very much regrets sitting right on the stool where he sits with a guitar his knee.

As he looks around the room he is sickly reminded of his past, all the kids in this very room represent so much of what he has gone through in this room his junior and senior year.

"Mr. Anderson, will you be with us when Kurt Hummel comes?"

It's the quarterback that asks him, the guy that reminds him so much of Finn. A sweet, talented boy who isn't so oblivious as everybody thinks he is.

Will looks positively alarmed, but Blaine waves it off.

"No, I'm here now. Tuesday I will not be here."

"But sir, you said you knew him, wouldn't you like to see your old friend again?"

"Anthony, Mr. Anderson made it quite clear he will not be here," Will snaps at his student and Blaine is partially grateful, but also a bit annoyed that Will thought he couldn't handle it.

"How well did you know him, Mr. Anderson?"

It's this years 'Rachel' as Will always calls her. Though her fashion sense is a hell lot better and she isn't as demanding as Rachel is. Blaine wonders if it is really because she isn't, or because Will learned how to deal with such a girl over the years.

"Mr. Anderson is not her for an inquiry guys, he's here to help you write songs," Will sighs but again Blaine waves it off.

"I get that they have questions, mr. Schue, since two famous people whom I knew are visiting the school next week."

A boy at the front row raises his hand, this year Artie, Blaine thinks to himself, as the boy completely looks like his mom dressed and coiffed him.

"What is it, Leroy?" he asks.

"You just said you both knew them, so that means you knew Mercedes Jones as well."

"Yes, I did."

"Fierce."

And that seems to end the inquiry the kids had for Blaine, so he plays one of the songs he wrote and fully plans on explaining to them the technical side of writing this particular song, but as he ends, opens his eyes and looks at his audience he almost chokes.

Even Will sits there with tears in his eyes. Will, who has seem to forgotten he's got students around him.

"Blaine, did you write that about Kurt?" he asks aloud and the students gasp.

"I knew you knew him better than you said," Anthony breaths and Blaine leaves.

Just leaves, like that. Guitar with him even though it's school property. He rushes past a few colleagues, ignoring their questioning looks and he all but runs over the parking lot to his car.

Not that he is going to drive, he might be miserable but he is not suicidal and driving in this mental state would definitely be suicidal. His vision is blurred and he pretty much feels like screaming and ripping out the steering wheel and maybe also the seats and FUCK.

So instead of starting the car he dials Sam's number.

"Can you please come pick me up?"

And then he breaks down, sobbing full on, waiting for Sam to arrive on his bike, so he can throw his bike in the back of Blaine's car and then drive Blaine home.

.

* * *

><p>.<p>

After a long, hot shower, Blaine sets himself on the couch to find Sam has already picked up pizza from the place down the road.

He doesn't say anything, nor does Sam the first twenty minutes.

"What happened?" is his question that breaks the tangible silence.

Immediately Blaine's head feels heavy, he's not supposed to be like this. Shouldn't he be over Kurt after ten freaking years? Kurt is obviously over him, he doesn't even want to see him.

"Kurt happened."

It's a short answer, it's a true answer.

Sam nods.

"I heard he doesn't want to see you."

"Are you going to see him?"

Sam nods.

"I have to, Friday night dinners and all. He's my brother."

Blaine winces, he almost forgot about that. Sam reckons Burt and Carole to be his parents. Finn and Kurt are his brothers for all he cares. It's not that he never sees his own parents or brother and sister anymore, but they just have such a different family life. Stacey and Stevie are so much younger and he doesn't see himself fit in the family picture anymore. The Hudson-Hummel's are his family now.

"Of course," Blaine almost smiles, "all Kurt's crushes became his brothers."

"Except for you," Sam responds.

"Only I was much more than a crush."

"I could've been," Sam snorts and Blaine punches him.

"I still can't believe you actually liked him until you met Quinn."

"Mercedes," Sam corrects him, "I liked Quinn and Santana but I liked him better until I fell for her."

"Does he even know that?" Blaine asks and it's so much easier talking about Sam's brother, about the fact how freaking funny it is that there is this guy who had a crush on a tall quarterback his sophomore year and then that crush became his stepbrother. And how a year later he had a crush on the quarterback that replaced his stepbrother and that later on that quarterback became his foster-brother. It is funny, when Blaine thinks of it as just a guy. Not as Kurt having feelings for anyone but him.

"Yeah, he knows," Sam says, "we all laugh about it really."

"I miss him."

Sam's eyes grow wide, but he has no time to form a response and Blaine has no time to actually realize what he just admitted.

Because Blaine's phone rings. So Sam gets up to throw the cold and untouched pizza's away. Blaine answers his phone, wondering why Sam hasn't eaten.

"_Hi Blaine, it's Will."_

"Hi."

"_Ar__e you feeling any better, buddy?"_

"Yes."

He is short, he is sharp. He hates it when Will calls him buddy, he always calls his students buddy and it makes him feel like Will's student again. He's Will's colleague for fuck's sake.

Sam eyes Blaine and makes a shushing sound. They know each other so well, it's amazing how Sam immediately sees Blaine is getting worked up over something.

"_I'm sorry I talked about Kurt today, that I asked you that question. I shouldn't have in front of the students."_

"You shouldn't have at all," Blaine bites back.

"_Right, I'm sorry."_

"It's okay."

It's not, I hate you Will Schuester.

But it's not really Will he should blame.

"It's okay, I shouldn't have sung that song."

Blaine hears a child call 'daddy' in the back ground and the next thing he knows Will apologizes, says he has to go and he's hung up on.

Sam is standing next to him, Blaine didn't even notice him moving to there, but the hand in his loose curls are welcome as they trace smoothing circles through it.

"What did you sing?" he asks softly.

"_Chased your loneliness."_

Sam nods.

"It's a very sad song," he says, sitting down next to Blaine and moving his fingers to trace smoothing circles on his back.

"I didn't even notice I was singing that song. I meant to sing something else, something a bit more cheerful."

"Have you got anything cheerful?" Sam wonders and they both sort of realize right then and there that no, Blaine actually doesn't have anything more cheerful.

"I just sang it because I felt it or something."

Or something, because Blaine doesn't know what feeling anything really is. he hasn't felt anything but empty for years. Today was the first time in forever that he felt something during singing, because it was about Kurt and it was _real _and he had just talked about Kurt and pretended everything was alright and _fuck. _

They sit like that for about an hour, watching the television mindlessly, not really caring that the remote is in the kitchen and both of them too tired to get up and retrieve it. So they watch their old crappy television without really watching it.

Sam keeps tracing circles on Blaine, though his arm moved around Blaine's shoulders and now he is tracing the circles on Blaine's arms, while Blaine's head rest on Sam's chest.

It's not often that they sit like this, but it's sort of nice and it's the only time that Blaine feels remotely okay and normal besides when he's teaching.

When Sam is being so nice to him, when Sam is comforting him like this it is like there is someone in the world who cares enough to see him. It's a shame Sam only sees him when Blaine lets him. It's a shame Sam doesn't see him when he is miserable and lonely and hiding.

Eventually Blaine is too tired to think about how Sam doesn't see him. He's too tired to think about how nobody sees him and he just wants to sleep, but he doesn't really want to leave this couch. He doesn't want to brush his teeth and he doesn't want to let go of Sam's warmth. Because Sam is warm and his bed will be cold and alone.

"Can I sleep with you tonight?" Blaine asks.

Sam snorts.

"I don't feel well, why are you laughing at me?"

"Blaine," Sam starts fiercely, "no matter how miserable and alone you feel, or how much you miss him, I'm not sleeping with my brother's ex. Nor am I sleeping with my flat mate. Especially, I am not sleeping with my best friend."

Blaine's eyes grow wide in horror.

"No, that's not.. I meant.. can… just.."

He takes a deep breath.

"I don't want to sleep alone tonight, I just want to _sleep _in your bed."

Sam smiles.

"You're really so distressed about him coming to town?"

Blaine nods guiltily. He doesn't want to, but it's all so _real _and _true _and it's not like he is even going to see Kurt, but knowing that he is going to be in the same town as Blaine just _hurts. _Maybe it's the first thing Blaine has really felt in years, but it's not a nice feeling and Blaine really wants it to go away.

"I never really got over him. I mean, I have a nice life now, and I get that we can't be together anymore and all, but him coming back to town just brings it all back, you know."

"I know."

"Do you feel the same way about Mercedes?" Blaine asks.

"Something like that," Sam answers, "you can sleep in my bed tonight," he then says before he kisses Blaine's temple and lifts him.

"You look exhausted," he explains and carries Blaine to his bed. Blaine can't even really complain because even if it's just his best friend and flat mate Sam, it isn't bad to actually be taken care of for once.

So he lets Sam carry him to the bed, he lets Sam undress him and he lets Sam crawl into the bed and pull him close. He rests his head on Sam's chest and feels his heartbeat.

It's the first time in ten years he feels someone else's heartbeat than his own.

"I'm so happy you're my best friend," he whispers and even if happy isn't really the word because he _isn't happy, _this miserable night is still the best he might have had since he found out Kurt is coming back.

"I'm happy you're my best friend," Sam responds and Blaine just closes his eyes to fight back the tears. Sam really _is _happy and Blaine really is his best friend. Blaine has never used the term best friend before today, it was the only term he could come up with now.

Two lies in one fucking sentence.

_I'm happy._

_You're my best friend._

_._

* * *

><p><em>.<em>

_A/N: Dun dun dun. Where am I going with this story? Let's just say I wish I could give in three names with who this story is about. Sam E. is supposed to be up there too. I just miss him, okay!_


	4. I Know That Things Are Broken

**Please don't cry, you liar****  
>- <strong>Liar - Mumford & Sons -

**.**

* * *

><p>On Saturday morning Blaine wakes up to the sound of Sam's alarm clock. It throws him of for a minute, before he realizes he slept in Sam's bed that night.<p>

"Do you need me to drop you off?" he asks hoarsely, before turning around to face Sam.

He sees Sam lying all the way on the other end of the bed, facing him and watching him sheepishly.

"That would be nice," he says and so Blaine gets up and heads to the shower.

It's a reason to get out of bed, like his students are a reason to get out of bed on weekdays.

Only on Sundays it was hard to find a reason, usually it would be Sam knocking on his door and moping about wanting eggs for breakfast, but that's not every week.

The water runs hot over Blaine's body and he just lets it burn, not bothering to turn the temperature down. He's in the shower for about two minutes when he hears the door and Sam walks in.

"Just brushing my teeth," Sam says and doesn't comment on the fact that the bathroom is already completely fogged after two minutes.

Blaine lets the water wash away his worries and for a moment he thinks about how it would be nice if his entire life would just consist of sleeping and hot showers. Only dreamless sleep like this night, not the nightmares he occasionally has. Or the romantic dreams in which he and Kurt are together again. Not those, only the dreamless nights and the hot showers.

That would be a nice life. A pointless life, but his life is pretty much pointless anyway.

"Dude," Blaine is woken up out of his thoughts, "am I going to have to work all stinky today or are you saving some water for me?"

Right, it's Saturday, Sam has to work way too early and for some crazy reason Blaine always brings him there. It's Saturday today and they are kind of in a hurry, so Blaine steps out of the shower letting the water run for Sam.

Sam closes his eyes.

"DUDE." He practically screams.

Blaine scoffs.

"You spend too much time with Finn, stop calling me 'dude'."

He doesn't want to be so snappy or sound so sarcastic and annoyed, but it's only 7.30am and his headache already starts to come up and he has just left the hot water that felt so freaking nice on his skin.

"You're naked."

"You're pointing out the obvious."

Because, really, they've been living in the same apartment for three years now and they have slept in the same bed more than once so Blaine doesn't really get _why _they are so shy with seeing each other naked.

Or why Sam is that shy anyway, Blaine walks around naked more often. He simply doesn't care. Like he doesn't care about the rest of anything actually.

"I told you I don't feel comfortable with seeing _that."_

Blaine scoffs again.

"I don't see the problem. I'm your best friend, I'm a guy and you're a guy, it's not like I have something you don't."

"You're gay."

Blaine's eyes grow wide and what he feels is close to amusement.

"You're bi, Sam, how could me being gay be an argument for you?"

"Exactly," Sam says, "you're gay, I'm bi, you're attractive and I don't want to see you naked because you're my flat mate and my best friend and my brother's ex."

Blaine almost smiles.

"Sam Evans," he teases, "do you have a thing for me?"

"No," Sam says firmly, "and I don't want start having a _thing _for you, so don't walk around all naked and hot."

Blaine shrugs and wraps a towel around his waist as Sam pulls of his shirt.

"You're one to talk," he says as he watches Sam pull of his shirt, "walking around with abs like that."

Sam grins.

"Good genes, used to piss Kurt off."

.

* * *

><p>.<p>

Blaine had been so freaking close to forgetting about the fact Kurt was coming to town and then Sam said that. So there is no more teasing the rest of the morning, no more talking at all.

As Sam came out of the shower Blaine had already cooked breakfast, they ate it and now they are in the car.

Blaine wonders why the heck he drives Sam to work in the first place, how they ever came to this arrangement but a vague thing in his mind says Sam insisted those years ago so he knew for sure Blaine would get out of bed and out of the house on Saturday, and now it is a thing they do.

When they reach the shop and Blaine parks the car, Sam takes a deep breath.

"I think it's best if you don't come in for coffee this morning," he says.

"Sam, if it's about this morning I promise not to walk around naked anymore."

Sam shakes his head.

"It's not that"

"Then I don't see why I shouldn't come in for coffee."

He is about to open his car door when he sees it.

Or when he sees him. Kurt. With Burt's arm around him, looking quite happy really. Finn is walking a feet in front of them, facing them and stepping backwards. His gestures are wild as he talks and Kurt laughs out loud.

Sam puts his hand on Blaine's knee.

"I'm sorry," he says.

"It's okay," Blaine replies, "just go have coffee with your family."

Sam nods.

"I hate that he doesn't want to see you," Sam says, "you're my family and now you don't get to have coffee with me because of him."

"I'll cook tonight," Blaine offers.

"I'm actually having dinner with Burt and Carole."

Blaine nods now.

"Call me when I need to pick you up," he says.

"I will," Sam says and kisses Blaine's cheek as if it's a daily routine.

.

* * *

><p>.<p>

Blaine doesn't do much the rest of the day.

He saw Kurt.

Kurt looked happy.

_Happy. _

It freaked Blaine out, because there was always this tiny little spark of hope that maybe Kurt was just as miserable as him and maybe, just very maybe there would be a chance of healing when he saw Kurt again.

Because he knows that by now. Only Kurt can heal him.

He knows it's crazy, he knows _he's _crazy for thinking this way, it's been ten years after all.

Ten years in which he hasn't seen Kurt, ten years in which he hasn't heard from Kurt. The great, fantabulous Kurt Hummel who left this dogs town to pursue his dreams on Broadway. And he, Blaine Anderson, the lover who stayed behind and was miserable.

And lived with Kurt's foster-brother.

And that when it hits Blaine, when he is standing in the middle of the living room and about to get out the vacuum cleaner, for the sake of having something to do, that Kurt has been avoiding him for ten fucking years.

Because Sam has seen Kurt in New York and so has Finn and Blaine knows for a fact how important family to Kurt is. Of course he has been back in Lima, of course he has been here before, only nobody ever told Blaine.

He only found out now because of his students and the posters and because Kurt is coming to the school.

Why would Kurt want to do that now? What would have happened that Kurt would finally show a tiny bit of himself to Blaine.

Even if he doesn't show a lot, even if it is just a poster and the knowledge that he is in Lima, Blaine was never allowed to know before.

Blaine takes out his phone, ready to call Sam, but he gets a text from him at that exact time.

_I'm sorry, they are giving me hell for missing Friday night dinner yesterday. I'll ask Finn to drive me home._

Blaine takes a glance at the clock in the corner of his screen. It's already 10pm. He wonders for five seconds where the hell his day went, then realizes he's just spent most of it miserable on the couch because he saw Kurt being happy, but then he grabs his keys and doesn't even bother with his coat.

.

* * *

><p>.<p>

He chickens out, though, when his car is parked in front of the Hummel-Hudson household. He had planned on barging in through the always open backdoor, straight into the kitchen where they would definitely still be sitting at the table and he would've given all of them a piece of his mind.

Who the fuck do they think they are, hiding Kurt from him like that for ten years.

Who the fuck does Burt think he is, the freaking perfect father always helping his son with everything?

Or who the fuck does Carole think she is? Kurt isn't even his real son and whenever Blaine is over with Sam on any time Kurt's not here she treats Blaine like a son too. So why hide Kurt from him?

And Finn, he can't even get started on Finn because Finn has been through this with Rachel. Finn knows how Blaine feels.

Or knew, 9 years ago.

But most of all Sam, he just wants to punch Sam in the face or something because Sam claims that Blaine is his best friend and yet he is keeping things like _this _from him.

Sam is the worst.

And yet it is Sam he texts now that he is freaking out over the idea that Kurt is mere feet away from him.

Seriously, there is only 60 feet or so between them and he is freaking out so he texts Sam.

And Sam is in the car, coat on and everything only a minute later.

"Are you okay?" he asks as he sees Blaine shaking.

"I think it's better if you let me drive," he says as he gets out of the car again and walks around to the driver's side. Inside the car Blaine climbs over to the passenger seat.

"Are you okay?" Sam asks again once they are on the road and headed home, "why did you come? I told you not to."

Blaine shrugs.

"I was mad at you." He says.

"Mad for asking Finn to drop me off?"

Blaine shakes his head.

"Mad for spending time with Kurt?"

"Yes and no," Blaine answers, "I'm not mad at you for spending time with Kurt, but I'm mad at you for lying to me about it."

Sam keeps his eyes firmly on the road, but he is obviously confused.

"You knew perfectly well where I was."

"You can't look me in the eye right now and tell me this is the first time in ten years Kurt is back in Lima."

For the briefest second Sam closes his eyes and takes a deep breath, before opening them again and focusing on the road.

"I never told you because I didn't want to upset you."

"DON'T LIE TO ME."

Blaine even scares himself a bit as he roars, but he is so sick and tired of the whole world lying and cheating and hating him and apparently taking pity on _Kurt. _

And now he's mad at everyone.

And at Kurt.

Because why is it that everybody pities Kurt, if it is Blaine who was hurt so bad, if it is Blaine who is still not over what happened and if it is Blaine who is the wronged party in all of this.

"Sorry," Sam mutters, "can we have this conversation when I'm not driving? I need to focus on that a hundred percent and I can't do that if I'm supposed to watch the road."

Blaine sees tears prickle in his eyes but he can't bring himself to feel guilty about upsetting Sam. Sam upset him and he deserved every single tear that will stream down his pretty little face tonight.

"I feel stupid," Blaine starts, "I feel stupid for not realizing this sooner, and I want to know how many times he has been here before and I want to know exactly why everybody is keeping him hidden from me, why no one will let me see him and why he feels that he has a right to hide from me when he is the one who ended it all. When he is the one who did this to _me _and I never did _anything."_

"Please," Sam begs, "not while I'm driving."

"Why did you even get out of there? Why did you come rushing to the car so quickly, huh? " Blaine wants to know, "why were you so eager on getting me as far away from there as possible?"

Sam stops at a red light and turns to look at Blaine.

"I didn't come out to get you away from there," he says, "I want you in there _so much_, Blaine, you are family to me. So when I got your text I was worried and I came out _to see you."_

Sam looks hopeless and hurt and pretty much how Blaine feels. Blaine wants to take his hand, but someone behind them honks and it is green so Sam returns the hand that had landed on Blaine's knee to the steering wheel.

"You're the only family I've got left," Blaine admits and maybe that is true. He might have lied about the best friends part, but Sam really is the only family he's got left.

"I wish you were a part of the entire family," Sam says and he has no idea how much Blaine wishes he was as well, at Kurt's side might that be.

He's not letting this go, however, so when they arrive home and Sam collapses on the couch, Blaine lifts Sam's legs and places himself beneath them.

He takes off Sam shoes and starts rubbing his feet.

"I'm not mad at you, Sam, I just want to know why you were doing what you were doing."

Sam's eyes stay closed and his face seems relaxed.

"Kurt doesn't want to see you," he says, "I have no idea why and I honestly think he is being a little bit childish, but it's the way he wants it and I've tried to argue but you know him."

"Not anymore." Blaine retorts.

"Yeah, well you used to and he's still as stubborn as he always was. He won't change his mind about this, it's a fact."

"Okay, if that's his wish then fine. Why didn't you ever tell me?"

"As I said," Sam whispers, "I didn't want to upset you."

"Don't…", Blaine starts but Sam interrupts him.

"It was easier. I see how miserable you are over him, Blaine, you don't think I do but I see you. I know you dream about him and I know that you are not over him and it hurts me to see you like that. I always thought that if you knew he was in town that you would get even worse and to be quite frank I was right. You should just see yourself the last three days, Blaine, ever since you figured out he was coming you've been freaking out. I know you're miserable and I know you're lonely, I know it hurts and that's why I didn't tell you."

"It hurts," Blaine says. Something he's never told anyone before.

"It literally hurts when I ,miss him. There are times when I think I can't feel anything anymore and when I think my life is worthless, but then there are times where I am hopeful and there are times when I make up plans to get him back and now that he is here it's all so real and there is that hope again and it hurts that he doesn't feel that way."

"I know," Sam says as he gets up and easily takes Blaine in his arms to comfort him.

"I know," he repeats.

"Why doesn't he want to see me?"

Sam stills.

"I don't know," Sam says and Blaine knows he's honest.

Sam keeps him tight in his arms for hours and Blaine doesn't move. All his muscles ache, but he doesn't move because where he is now feels sort of safe and a lot like home.

Even if Kurt is in town and doesn't want to see him and he looked happy while Blaine is miserable an lonely and tired of everything that defines his life.

He lets himself relish in the ache that comes of being held in Sam's arms.

And he relishes in the warmth that is Sam's body.

He relishes in the feeling of being home, even if it is for just a few hours.

It's well past midnight when Sam finally can't take it anymore and lifts Blaine to lay him in bed. Blaine whimpers at the loss of Sam's warmth, but after Sam undressed him to his boxers, he feels Sam's body slipping in the bed next to him, holding him tightly while being the bigger spoon.

.

* * *

><p>.<p>

_A/N: Kurt's back. _

_Next up: the confrontation.__  
>This is not going to be a long story, 10 chapters tops, but I think it'll be 8<em>


	5. You Still Have All of Me

**These wounds won't seem to heal****  
>This pain is just<strong>** to real****  
>There's just too much that time cannot erase<strong>**  
><strong>- My Immortal - Evanescense -

.

* * *

><p>When Blaine wakes at noon the next day Sam isn't in the bed and there is a small note on his nightstand.<p>

_Sorry I didn't wake you to say goodbye, but I thought you could use the extra sleep. I'm at Carole and Burt's for family stuff. X_

Of course he is, Kurt's in town.

Kurt.

Blaine lets his mind wonder to the face he saw yesterday, it was only half a minute in which he saw him and it was from afar but it was still Kurt.

Kurt hadn't changed much, though his face wasn't the face of a boy anymore, it was the face of a man. But beneath that face of a man he still had the same walk, that walk that just makes you look at him look like a very cheerful person. He has that same smile where he doesn't quite show his teeth, but somehow you can still see and marvel at them. The same hair, coiffed perfectly and just everything about his screamed Kurt Hummel. Even if it was only thirty seconds from afar.

Blaine hadn't changed much either, so even when he thought of Kurt now he got hard. Like rock hard in seconds. Blaine closes his eyes and thinks of Kurt, he pinches his own nipple and squirms, imagining it is Kurt.

He tugs the sheets way down before he takes off his jeans and sweater, cursing the fact he never undressed for sleep and he takes himself in his hand firmly, giving a few rough strokes before setting at an easy pace.

He thinks about the tiny little wrinkles he saw on Kurt's face yesterday, laugh wrinkles that weren't there when they parted. Laugh wrinkles caused by someone else.

He starts yanking rather painful.

Clothes that weren't approved by him in a dressing room where they had just given each other blowjobs.

Shoes that he never borrowed.

Boxer briefs he'd never peel of Kurt's body with his teeth ever again.

And then it was just Kurt's naked body he imagined. Not the body he remembers though, but the body he would expect now.

And if the body Blaine remembers was anything, the body he expects now is a little firmer, a little more masculine and even if Blaine has never seen it, it drives him over the edge sooner than he expect and with three hard and painful strokes he lets himself fall over the edge, spilling his orgasm all over his hand and naked stomach.

He grabs his sweater from the ground and wipes his cum of his body, before he cries hard. It's a rather dull cry, a painless cry. A meaningless cry. It's just tears that spill and sobs that sound. He can't stop it, he can't hold it back or process what's really happening, it's just something that happens to him after he comes.

Until he gets cold.

That's when he tugs the sheets back up. The clean sheets, because Kurt taught him to stay clear of the sheets during sex.

He tugs the sheets back up, curls up into himself, dirty come stained sweater clutched tightly to his chest and he lets sleep claim him.

.

* * *

><p>.<p>

It's close to four when Blaine next wakes up.

He's sort of hungry but not really, more like his mouth craves the taste of something incredibly greasy and unhealthy.

Like bacon.

Just bacon, nothing more, nothing less. Not bacon on toast, or bacon with scrambled eggs. He just wants to eat bacon and eat tons and tons of bacon until he gets nauseas.

He drags himself out of bed and gets into his boxers, walks into the kitchen where he yanks open the fridge.

No bacon there.

He opens all the cabinets in the kitchen, but finds nothing. No bacon or other greasy, unhealthy stuff.

He really wants to eat bacon though, so he grabs his key and plans on running down to the 24/7 shop to see if they have some. Or at least bacon flavoured crisps.

One problem, he finds out as he tries to open the front door.

It's locked.

The thing is, Blaine and Sam live in a rather crappy and old apartment, in Lima Heights, and houses get broken into a lot in this neighbourhood. Especially the crappy old apartments with crappy old locks.

So they have three extra locks on their door from the outside, which Sam locked from the outside.

And they can't be opened from the inside, but Blaine is inside.

So Blaine is kind of locked in his own house.

He calls Sam, Burt answers.

"_Hi Blaine,"_

"Hi, Burt, is Sam around? Can I talk to him?"

"_Well, we have a bit of a problem here."_

"Here too, he locked me in."

"_Oh."_

"Yeah, could I talk to him?"

"_Well, he's stuck here."_

"I'm sure he can come free me and then get back?"

"_Yeah, no, he's actually trapped."_

"Please, Burt, I know you value your family time and I know Kurt is in town and I want you to know I respect that, but we have no food in the house whatsoever and I'm just really craving some bacon, so if you could please let him go, he'll be back in half an hour."

Burt chuckles.

"_Problem is, when he ran up the stairs he got trapped. __A step kind of collapsed and now his foot is stuck."_

"Oh," Blaine manages, sort of flabbergasted.

"_But you're right," _Burt continues, _"We'll figure something out, you'll be free in fifteen minutes."_

.

* * *

><p>.<p>

Blaine remains in the hallway the entire time, waiting for the locks outside the door to make noise.

He hears someone fumble with the locks and waits for either Carole or Burt to walk in, Finn knows which key belongs to which lock.

But when the door finally opens he is in shock.

He can't move a limb, he can't feel his legs even and he just _stares._

Just stairs as Kurt is standing mere feet away from him.

Kurt stares too, they stare at each other. Though Kurt isn't as surprised as Blaine, maybe just at the fact Blaine is standing in the hallway and he had expected him to be in the living room.

Maybe Kurt wanted to just open the locks and leave without coming in, so he didn't have to face Blaine and now Blaine is here.

That must be it, Blaine concludes so he wants to retrieve to the living room and give Kurt the space he needs.

iiWants.

He hesitates when he sees how Kurt is eyeing him, however, when he sees how Kurt is looking him up and down and probably Kurt is examining him, taking him in. Blaine takes the opportunity to fully stare Kurt up and down and hates himself for noticing just how tight Kurt's pants are hugging his legs.

Just how gorgeous he still is and the laughing wrinkles and the smile he saw yesterday are gone and as Blaine sees Kurt's face it looks sort of worn, tired and fragile.

Kurt opens his mouth and tries to say something, but ends up taking a deep breath before his lips return to make a thin, pressured line.

Blaine's hand twitches he wants to do something, say something, he wants this to not be so awkward. He wants to reach Kurt's hand and tell him he's not mad at Kurt for what happened, he wants to tell Kurt they can be friends but he doesn't because they can't. Because he is mad and he is sad and he is miserable and Kurt can't know that because Kurt is the cause and maybe Blaine is to proud to admit it, but it's mostly just that he doesn't want the cause of the pain to pity him.

And because he doesn't want to seem weak. If he ever wants a chance with Kurt he has to be strong.

Pretend to be strong at least.

So Blaine makes the tiniest movement backwards, suddenly feeling naked and realizing he's still only in his boxers and he really must be a basket case if he had gone to get bacon in his boxers if it hadn't been for Sam and his locks.

It really is the tiniest movement, but it makes Kurt drop the back he was holding over his shoulder so Blaine stops the movement. Shocked, relieved at a sign of life on Kurt.

Blaine flinches and when he looks up into Kurt's eyes he sees a lot of hurt, but then it's like a flip is switched and suddenly Kurt is really close and Blaine is slammed into the door behind him.

Kurt's lips are on his and Blaine really doesn't know how to react but kiss back, because that's all he ever did.

He never pushed Kurt away and he won't do it now, he doesn't even have the thought process to actually come to that decision even if it would be better in this particular moment.

All he can do is feel how the blood from his brain leaves and races to his groin and _fuck _he is in his boxers and his erection is pressed into Kurt and he yanks and pulls at Kurt's hair while Kurt's fingers dig deep into the flesh on Blaine's hips.

There is nothing nice about this moment, everything is painful.

His back hurts from the slam, his hips are being bruised by Kurt's fingers and he is pretty sure his lip is bleeding, being caught between two sets of teeth that keep sort of slamming together forcefully.

Blaine has never felt better.

Kurt smells different, probably because he uses aftershave now and Blaine takes away one hand to reach behind him, opens the door and even if their mouths never leave each other, they find their way to the couch.

Kurt shakes off his coat and takes of his shirt as Blaine makes quick work on the zipper and button of Kurt's jeans, pulling them down to his knees. He stays down there, taking Kurt in his mouth in one quick motion.

It's been so long and it still smells and tastes the same.

Blaine sucks him hard and fast and as he looks up he sees Kurt sucking his own fingers, head thrown back. He knows what Kurt's doing.

He gets up and Kurt kisses him. If it even is a kiss, it's just their lips together, three of Kurt's fingers in between and they both wet them as much as they can with their tongue, before Kurt pulls Blaine closer and pushes two fingers in at once.

Blaine winces. It's been so long and he only ever does this to himself with one finger.

Kurt scissors and stretches and soon, maybe too soon, adds another finger but Blaine doesn't stop him.

He needs this, he needs to feel it's really Kurt and he still needs to feel it next week to know it isn't a dream, so he doesn't tell Kurt to stop.

Instead he whines and moans and he almost begs, but the thinks about the fact they actually haven't said a word to each other in about ten years.

So instead he spits on his own hand, and reaches it down to Kurt's cock to wet it, before forcefully removing Kurt's hand from behind him and turning around.

Without proper warning Kurt slams into him. Hard, hard and fast and there is no build up, nothing but mere lust and want and

"Please harder,"

Blaine gives in, even if he sort of doesn't want to because it _hurts so bad _and he is sure he can't walk properly for maybe months if Kurt keeps this pace up, but Kurt complies his wish slamming into him harder, deeper, faster and he hits Blaine's prostate two or three times before Kurt tips over the edge and spills inside Blaine.

He slides out, turns Blaine around forcefully, gets down in his knees and sucks long and hard until he swallows all Blaine's cum like he was born to do this.

Kurt stands up, pulls his pants with him, puts on his shirt and coat, kisses Blaine's cheek and leaves into the hallway.

Blaine feels Kurt's come slid out of him and he is sort of afraid to move to clean it, because he feels like it's not only come he will be cleaning.

He sits down on the couch and winces hard. It hurts _so fucking bad._

Then Kurt walks back in, Blaine breaths deep to start the conversation they should have now, but Kurt only sets a pack of bacon down on the coffee table.

A note is stuck to it.

_Enjoy.  
>Love, Carole <em>

This time Blaine hears him open and close the door, and a about two minutes later he hears an engine roar and a car leave the street.

.

* * *

><p>.<p>

Burt and Sam walk in at seven, Sam's foot in a cast, crutches helping him walk.

Blaine is still naked, curled up like a ball on the sofa.

"Fuck, what happened?" Sam asks.

Blaine hadn't even heard them come in, he shoots up and looks at Burt in horror.

Not at Sam, though, somehow he doesn't actually care Sam sees him like this, even if he knows how uncomfortable Sam is with him being naked.

"Blaine, is that blood on the couch?" Burt asks in horror.

Blaine looks down at the couch.

Fuck.

"Burt, I think it's better if you leave," Sam says sternly but Burt isn't having any of that.

"Blaine, did someone…" he hesitates, "did someone _hurt _you?"

Yes, someone hurt him really bad. Someone dumped him ten years ago, they never spoke again and today that someone walked in and fucked him raw.

And he had enjoyed every fucking minute of it.

"No, I'm fine."

"You've been crying and you're bleeding," Sam points out.

Blaine shrugs.

"I really think it's best if you leave, Burt," Sam says and Burt just looks pointedly at Blaine before he turns around and leaves the scene behind.

Sam lets the crutches fall and limps towards Blaine on his good foot.

"What the fuck happened?" He asks. Or maybe demands would be a better word.

"Kurt."

"He fucked you so hard you bleed?"

"I haven't done it in ten years."

"Blaine, how bad is it?"

Blaine shrugs again.

"Between us, I think you're more mobile," he tries to joke but it's also true and it's a rather painful truth.

"Did you talk at all?"

"Yes," Blaine said.

"You've talked things out?"

"Not really?"

"What has been said?" Sam wants to know.

"Please, harder," Blaine repeats himself.

.

* * *

><p>.<p>

_A/N: Angsty angst is angsty. Explanations in the next chapter, promise!_


	6. Would You Help Me Understand?

**I'm sorry for blaming you for everything I just couldn't do****  
>And I've hurt myself, by hurting you<strong>**  
><strong>**-**Hurt – Christina Aguilera–

.

* * *

><p>Monday comes with nothing no hope of something new, something shiny, something that might change Blaine's life. He's spent the entire night next to Sam on the couch, overthinking things.<p>

He hadn't even noticed he was still naked and cold until Sam had draped the blanket the keep next to the couch over him and now he only vaguely registers the alarm clock that goes off in Sam's room, announcing it's 7am.

Sam doesn't get up to turn it off and ten minutes later the alarm clock in Blaine's room chimes in. it's rather annoying, since Blaine's alarm is a big beep and Sam's is a rather loud radio station, but it takes Blaine another twenty minutes to realize he has to get up.

He has classes to teach and meeting to attend.

He gets up.

He faints.

.

* * *

><p>.<p>

"Just like that."

Sam's voice sounds close, yet distant and it most definitely not meant for him.

He registers laying on the couch, and then realizes he's wearing a shirt and sweatpants.

How long has he been out for?

Long enough to be put on the couch and be dressed by Sam, and for Sam to call someone. Who even had he on the phone?

"No, he really can't come into work today, sir, he will be staying at home."

"Yes, sir, I know it's weird that his roommate calls to tell you that, but he's out, he can't come on the phone."

"Okay, I will say that."

Blaine looks up to where Sam stands, even if having his eyes open meant a great big pounding in his head.

"Who was that?" he asks, voice hoarse.

"Principal Figgins," Sam says, "can't believe he's still there."

Blaine eyes Sam.

"Yeah, he was complaining about having to pay both you and a substitute and told me you were fired if you weren't back into school tomorrow."

Blaine huffs.

"He's been complaining about money forever."

He doesn't even care that he will lose his job, because even if he will be strong enough to work tomorrow, he won't go.

Kurt will be there.

He doesn't care that he will lose his job, he doesn't even think about it twice.

"You go into work, I'll take care of myself," he tells Sam, but Sam shakes his head.

"Yes," Blaine says annoyed, "I can take care of myself."

"Sure you can," Sam answers, "I'm useless at work though, with this foot."

"I'm sure there's some paperwork Burt would have you do," Blaine retorts, but Sam sort of giggles and then tells him he's kind of high on pain meds.

.

* * *

><p>.<p>

"So, did Kurt drug you or something?" Sam asks half an hour later, while Blaine is still laying on the couch and Sam is mindlessly changing channels on the TV, Blaine's feet over his legs and his casted foot up on the coffee table.

"No."

"Then why did you faint?"

"Just."

"You didn't touch the bacon."

"No, I didn't."

"Did you eat at all yesterday?"

"No I didn't."

"What did you eat Saturday?"

So now the cat was out of the bag.

"You haven't eaten since Friday night?" Sam asks, surprise but somehow not shock in his voice.

"I know you're not feeling good, Blaine, and I know you're hurt and confused and all that, but you have got to take care of yourself."

"You don't know anything," Blaine says and closes his eyes to tone down the pounding in his head.

Sam gets up frantically, Blaine practically hears him wince in pain as he puts weight on his foot, but only a second later he is kneeled beside Blaine and instead of yelling, he gently cups Blaine's cheek.

"I know you feel horrible. I know you think we don't know that, I know you think we don't see you but we do. We do, Blaine, we see that you haven't smiled or laughed since Kurt broke up with you. We see that you lock yourself in your room every 15th of March and don't freak out about us knowing that date, because that date every year Kurt calls and asks how you are doing. We know that every year at Christmas you sit here alone and don't even bother calling your parents, we know that. We see you, Blaine, we see you and we are here for you. I know you think no one but Kurt loved you, we know you think you're not loved, but you are. We love you."

Blaine smiles weakly and for a second, just a millisecond really, Sam thinks it's a real smile.

"Who's we?" Blaine asks.

Sam swallows thickly and sighs.

"Me," he says, for he second he thinks of adding 'and Finn, Will and Emma,' but he doesn't.

"I love you, Blaine."

The heavy pounding in Blaine's head moves to his heart.

Sam loves him.

He is loved.

He remembers how much Sam felt like home when he held him just a few days ago and how they had mindlessly spend the last three nights together without actually _spending it together _and before he even knows what he's doing his lips are attached to Sam's.

At first Sam responds, but then he gently pushed Blaine away.

"I thought that's what you wanted," Blaine says confused.

"No, it's not. I love you, Blaine, but that's not what I want."

He gets up and limps to his room, shutting himself in for the remainder of the day.

.

* * *

><p>.<p>

Tuesday arrives and Blaine just wants to get out of the apartment. For the first time since he moved into this apartment he actually _wants _out.

He also knows that Figgins' threat wasn't an empty one, he'd called in sick so many times because he simply couldn't get himself up and out of the bed and he knows that he can't stay away from the school another day, even if yesterday he didn't care about losing his job.

He just needs to get away as far from Sam as he can and he's pretty sure Sam won't come up to the school today, if he will even get out of his room at all.

Blaine makes sure he eats something, though even his yoghurt tastes like old, dried out bread down his throat, he doesn't want to faint mid-class or something.

He's surprised when the day goes by fairly well, only Anthony the singing quarterback eyeing him suspiciously and he wonders what is actually up with that kid.

When he's in his classroom grading papers, he makes a mental note to himself finding out what's up with Anthony and all his eyeing and interest in his personal life, when he gets some sort of an answers.

"That quarterback kid seems to have a crush on you."

Blaine's head snaps to the door of his classroom, where Kurt is resting his shoulder against the doorframe.

"All during glee he wouldn't shut up about how beautiful the song was you sang last Friday. Was a tear-jerker apparently."

Blaine cocks his eyebrow, but doesn't say anything.

"I get it, though, a young, hot teacher with a mystery. I've heard you've become quite the mystery."

Blaine breaks.

"What do you want?" he asks coldly.

Kurt shrugs.

"I wish I knew," he says, "I don't know."

"Why are you talking to me?"

"I'm sorry."

It's not enough, not nearly enough and still Blaine melts. Maybe it's because of the slight crack in Kurt's voice, or the fact that it's a crack within a whisper, but Blaine believes it and that's what is important.

"Sorry for what?" he asks, because even if Blaine believes Kurt is sorry, it matters if Kurt is sorry for last Sunday or for everything.

"For everything."

For a fraction of a moment Blaine wants to forgive Kurt all, take him in his arms and run away.

Don't ever look back.

Don't ever look back.

However, it really is just a fraction of a moment and Blaine snaps back to reality.

"With a sorry I still don't know what you want," he says.

"Me neither," Kurt answers and that's probably all there's to it, neither of them knowing what it is exactly that they want from each other.

"What would you want from me?" Kurt says and Blaine thinks hard and deep.

If you would have asked him two weeks ago if he wanted to be with Kurt again he would have said yes, he would have said yes without any hesitation.

But that was two weeks ago and that was before he knew Kurt had been in Lima before, before he knew Kurt had been purposely avoiding him and that was before Kurt fucked him raw without saying anything.

"Why did you avoid me for so long?" Blaine asks, because now that they're here and in front of each other and _oh._

Blaine hadn't even noticed he had gotten up and is now standing in front of Kurt, practically in his face. Most definitely in his personal space.

He doesn't move back though, because somehow he feels this intimacy will urge Kurt to be honest.

"It hurt too bad," Kurt starts, "It hurt too bad to see you. Every time Sam would mention your name my heart ached so much and it hurt too bad."

Blaine nods.

"Why did you break up with me?"

He needs to know after eleven years of not seeing each other, ten years of not speaking to each other.

"That year we were apart, it was the worst year of my life. I missed you _so bad. _I didn't enjoy New York in the slightest without you."

"I'm sorry," Blaine says but Kurt shushes him.

"I missed you, but I also missed the sex. I could talk to you on skype and you are the awesome goofball who sends his sleep-shirts when the scents wears off the last one you sent, so we were still strong, but my hand was never enough for me. I needed more and I was going insane. I remember the first time we had skype sex, but that was still my own hand and then one night I got drunk and this guy who sort of reminded me of you came up to me and I slept with him."

"Why are you telling me this?"

Blaine knew all that, Kurt had come clean the next day and Blaine had been upset, angry, but understanding because he himself was feeling the same and he himself had had a lot of trouble, only Lima wasn't the greatest place to find someone, so he never had been tempted. He knew all this.

"It didn't stop there, Blaine, I had an affair with this guy. We kept seeing each other, just for the sex and guilt ate me alive."

"I know," Blaine says because he _knows _all of this.

"I know I came clean to you and you forgave me, but guilt was still eating me alive and I broke off all contact with him."

"I know," Blaine repeats.

"And then you didn't get accepted into NYADA and told me you were staying in Ohio."

Kurt looks up and locks eyes with Blaine.

"I couldn't do it. I couldn't go another four years with seeing you just on the holidays, that one year was already too much."

Blaine's eyes are glimmering with tears.

"I'm sorry," he says again but Kurt shakes his head softly.

"You have nothing to be sorry for, I should've known better. I should've waited for you or something. This has nothing to do with you. I know I was mad at you then, for not trying to apply for another school in New York, but I get it now."

"I did apply," Blaine says, "I did apply for every single college in New York I could think of, but I wasn't accepted into any. I waited for every single one of them to turn me down before I told you I was staying in Ohio. It really was the only option I had."

Kurt closes his eyes and sighs.

"I wish things would've gone different," he says, "but when you said you were staying in Ohio I knew I couldn't stay away from that other guy, so I broke it off with you. I couldn't do it anymore and I couldn't face you because guilt was eating me alive."

Blaine nods, because he understands. He really does.

"Are you still with him?"

"No."

It really is just an inch of space that Blaine has to close to press their lips together and they move sweetly, almost innocent and then Kurt pulls away and looks Blaine straight in the eye.

"I'm sorry, Blaine," he says but Blaine just kisses him again.

Kurt pulls away quicker this time and looks… _guilty?_

"You're with someone else."

Blaine should've assumed.

"I'm sorry."

"It's not me who's with someone else, it's you," Kurt provides and it confuses Blaine.

"My dad says Sam and you are like a married couple."

"We're just friends," Blaine urges even if he isn't sure. Because Sam had told him he loved him and Sam felt like _home._

"Are you sure?"

"No," Blaine says honestly, because Kurt has been totally honest just a minute ago and he can't not be honest now.

"I kissed him yesterday after he said he loved me but he said it wasn't in that way and then he disappeared into his room."

Kurt nods.

"Does he know about, you know, Sunday?"

Now it's Blaine to nod.

"Do you think maybe he didn't like you kissing him mere hours after I…," Kurt searches for words, "after I was there doing that?"

That would make sense.

"Listen, when I got home my dad said he thought you were raped because you were naked and shivering and there was blood on the couch and he asked me if I ever got there and I sort of told my dad what happened, because I had to, and I've never seen my dad that angry before. I do regret what's happened Sunday and not only because of my dad, but because I was out of line and I honestly don't know what came over me, but most of all because I might have ruined anything and everything that is supposed to be you and Sam."

"Sam cared for me," Blaine utters absently, "after he knew what we did, not you but we, he cared for me."

Kurt give a tiny little nod.

"So what do you want to do now?"

"I wish I knew, I don't know."

He really doesn't know. Kurt is here, standing in front of him and being nice and gently and those kisses were pretty damn familiar and sweet and, dare he say, _loving._

But now there's Sam too, and how is he going to make that decision?

"If I choose you, will you want to be with me?" he asks, because he needs to know that he won't be rejected by Kurt again. He can't take that, even if Sam will be there to catch him when he falls, he'll just break Sam in the fall with him.

"I'll be here and waiting," Kurt answers, "though I won't do long distance again," he almost jokes and nudges Blaine's shoulder.

"I can move to New York," Blaine supplies, "there are schools there where I can teach and I don't have any life here."

Kurt chuckles.

"Don't get ahead of yourself," he says, "just figure out what's with you and Sam first."

So that's what Blaine will do.

.

* * *

><p>.<p>

_A/N: Seriously, I'm not even sure what Blaine's going to do!_


	7. Well, You Held Me Like A Lover

**Well I know I make you cry  
>And I know sometimes you wanna die<br>But do you really feel alive without me?  
>If so, be free<br>If not, leave him for me  
><strong>-Damien Rice - Accidental Babies-

.

* * *

><p>was Blaine's plan to go home, confront Sam and maybe kiss him again to see how it feels compared to Kurt. That's it.<p>

So how he has ended up in Scandal, drinking from the same brand beer that got him drunk that horrific night in his junior year, he has no idea. He just knows that he welcomes the fuzzy feeling of the alcohol kicking in like it's all he needs in life.

The second thing he has no idea of is why he is talking to David Karofsky. Kurt had told him Dave was a regular in High School, but apparently he still is. Blaine wonders if that makes him boring, or Dave pathetic. Should 29 year old men really hang out in bars every single week?

Dave has been hanging out there every single week for the past eleven years, he's learned that from the conversation so far.

Blaine also knows that Kurt and Dave sort of made up during the end of their junior year and that they were friendly during senior year, but Blaine is still grateful he's never had to actually share schools with the guy because he can't find it in himself to be friendly towards Dave.

Or maybe that's because he's just so fucking confused about choosing either Sam or Kurt.

"Who would you choose?" he asks Dave.

Dave quirks an eyebrow.

"Would you rather be with Kurt or Sam?"

An almost sweet smile appears on Dave's face.

"Why would you ask me that?"

"Because I have to choose and I don't know who to choose."

Dave frowns.

"Well, they both have their appeals I guess. I'd go for Kurt, though."

Blaine's head snaps.

"I knew it," he hisses.

"I knew you wanted Kurt."

"Was that a trick question? Because I never tried to steal Kurt away from you like you almost let that preppy gargler kid steel you away from him."

Blaine shakes his head heavily. He doesn't want to be reminded of the horrible mistake he made by letting Sebastian in.

"No, I just really want to know your reasoning because Kurt is, well, Kurt and he's still as gorgeous and beautiful as he used to be, but Sam feels like home and Sam cares for me."

"I didn't even know Sam was gay," Dave answers and orders another beer for Blaine and a diet coke for himself.

"He's bi," Blaine says, "he's bi and he's Kurt's foster-brother and he's my roommate. He's apparently been in love with me for a while and Kurt didn't want to see me because it hurt too much because he still loved me. Now he's back in my life and he is the one who pointed me towards Sam because he wants me to be happy and that's a good trait so maybe he's good for me. But Sam feels like home."

"Then choose Sam," Dave says matter of factly.

"But Kurt's Kurt."

It's Blaine's final argument and Dave seems to think it a valid argument because he shuts up.

"I used to want to live here," Blaine says, "I wanted to live here, make art and help people."

Dave laughs out loud.

"You must've been pretty drunk."

"Yes, and in a right state of mind," Blaine continues, "now I'm drunk, I want to live here and hide away from the world. Not so pleasant reason."

"I feel like I should get you home, you're way too drunk to drive," Dave says and before Blaine can protest Dave pays both their bills and ushers him outside.

.

* * *

><p>.<p>

As he enters his and Sam's shared apartment he's in for a shock. It's one thing that he is drunk as fuck, he hadn't expected Sam to sit there looking utterly broken, supporting an empty bottle of vodka on his lap and staring blankly ahead.

When Blaine slams the door of the hallway behind him Sam's head snaps up.

"Where the fuck were you?" he asks and Blaine realizes that even if he is drunk as fuck, he's probably the most sober one of them.

"Where the fuck were you?" Sam asks again as he jumps up, not even noticing the bottle that breaks on the floor and he rushed towards Blaine to take his head between his hands desperately.

"I was convinced you would stay home today and then I got up and you were gone, where the fuck were you?"

"Please stop swearing," Blaine whines because he knows this will turn into a heart to heart and he doesn't want his heart to heart to be an aggressive one.

"Where were you?" Sam asks.

"I was at school."

"Until 9pm?"

"I went to Scandals."

"You're drunk."

"So are you."

And then their lips are smashed together, neither knows who's the one who started it and the taste of alcohol is obvious in both their mouths but the blood alcohol level also makes this particular kiss intoxicating.

Blaine's hand roam Sam's already naked chest, while Sam is doing his utmost to rip Blaine's shirt of his upper body.

Without their mouths leaving each other for only a second, Sam gets it done and their bare chests are pressed together.

Skin on skin has never felt so welcome before in either of their lives.

Sam leads them to Blaine's bedroom and for some reason things turn gently, even with the amount of alcohol in either bodies things are sweet and gently and unlike anything Kurt did to Blaine on Sunday.

They fall to the bed, Sam on top of Blaine and he just holds Blaine, holds him while Blaine's hands roam his body, smoothly over his back and then they dip down his sweatpants. Sam lifts his hip up a little so Blaine can slide them off completely and then he is naked on top of Blaine.

He grinds down before making a noise of discomfort, Blaine needs to be naked too and soon he is.

It's all a fuzzy haze, but it's a freaking good haze as they grind together, sloppy kissed pressed on lips and cheeks and necks and shoulders, pre-come is leaking from both their cocks, slicking their bellies and the grinding gets easier.  
>Sam grabs Blaine's wrist and slits it down to his ass, forcing Blaine's fingers to slide up and down his hole. Blaine is drunk, so it takes him a while to get what Sam is aiming at, but when he gets it he moves his other hand to his bedside drawer and slicks his fingers with lube while his arms are still behind Sam's back.<p>

He eases one finger in, notices Sam can handle another and soon it's three fingers working Sam open while their dicks are stilling grinding together between their stomachs.

"Please," Sam whines and Blaine obliges, covering his cock in lube. Sam sits up and as he glides down on Blaine with ease, Blaine wonders for a brief second why Sam is doing this, he once said he never bottoms, but then he just lets himself get wrapped in the pleasure that is a drunken sex blur.

He notices Sam moving up and down on top of him and he revels in the feeling it gives him, before he realized that _oh fuck._

That's that. He's come, not only three minutes into the whole thing and he is spilling everything inside of Sam.

Sam keeps moving up and down and it takes another uncomfortable minute before Sam's drunken mind wraps around the fact that Blaine isn't hard anymore.

Twenty more seconds for Sam to realize that he actually is.

Another ten for Sam to realize he should probably get off Blaine and after he does so he collapses on the bed, snuggles close to Blaine and Blaine wraps his hand around Sam's cock.

It's only three or four strokes before Sam spills his cum on Blaine's hand and stomach and within seconds after that they both drift off into a deep and much needed sleep.

.

* * *

><p>.<p>

_There's a pounding in my head._

_There's a stranger in my bed._

Oh fuck.

Not a stranger.

But still, there's a pounding in his head and for some reason he has a Katy Perry song stuck in his head. Probably to do the dream he had about Finn yelling at him.

"_Now you've fucked up both my brothers."_

Accurate, Blaine thinks, that he should dream that. Probably also the reason that he dreamed it in the first place.

His mind wonders back to yesterday, or at least he thinks it was yesterday because it was most definitely dark when he got home and now he sees a stripe of light between the curtains of his window.

He turns on his side and looks at Sam, who is still very peacefully sleeping. Blaine will let him, because if Sam was way more drunk than he was and the pounding in his head is already unbearable.

As is the thought of them doing what he knows they did.

It didn't feel wrong last night, it actually felt kind of good but it was also clumsy and stupid and a _drunken _mistake. He had planned on talking to Sam and now he still has to do that.

With Sam asleep, Blaine has time to think about what he is going to say.

He could say he loves Sam, because he does. He really loves Sam and sleeping next to Sam this last week has felt different than all the other times they were to miserable to sleep alone. Then it had been about comfort, now it had been about them.

Blaine also realized that it wasn't Mercedes that made Sam miserable like he thought, it was the thought of Blaine being miserable over Kurt.

Sam loved him, that was clear now.

"Why do you love me?"

It's the first thing he asks when Sam slowly opens his eyes, and he closes them immediately at the question.

"Because you're you," he grunts, voice hoarse and unsure upon waking.

"Seriously," Blaine pushes, "I know for a fact you still loved Mercedes when Kurt and I broke up and I've been a wreck ever since. What on earth could make you love a wreck like me?"

"Because you're you," Sam repeats.

"Sam," Blaine whines.

"I'm serious, with 'you're you' I mean you're still the guy you were before Kurt. I've said it before, you think that I don't see you but I do. I see you when you're not consumed in misery, when you feel remotely alright. You think you're miserable all the time but you're not. I see you when you hold your guitar and sing a song. I see you when you've finally finished written one and allow yourself to be proud. I saw you when you were all 'in your face' to me when you found that pizza slicer I'd been convincing you for three months we didn't have and I see you when you come home from a particularly good day at work. I see how proud you are of your students and maybe you won't let yourself be happy but you sure want them to be happy and it makes you a great musician, a fun roommate and an amazing teacher. I love you."

Blaine smiles.

"What does this mean?" Sam asks.

"I don't know," Blaine says, "Kurt's still in the picture. I talked to him yesterday."

"I know, he called me and told me you two see eye to eye again."

"Hence the vodka?"

"Hence the vodka."

"I'm sorry," Blaine says, "I'm sorry, but what he said sort of makes sense. Where I was thinking of complot theories to get him back, he was doing his very best to avoid me so he could get over me. We both had different tactics to get over each other and in the end neither really succeeded because the second we saw each other again. Well, you know."

"Yes, I know, he made you bleed and you are still walking funny three days later."

Blaine's eyes grow wide.

"Oh my god," he gasps, "that's why you bottomed. Because you knew I'm still sore."

Sam's eyes grow wide.

"We had sex?" he asks in sort of a horror.

"Great, you don't even remember."

Sam shakes his head.

"No, no, I do. Shit. I forgot for a second, I thought we just fell asleep together like always on a miserable night. Why did you sleep with me if I was so horrifically drunk?"

Blaine shrugs.

"Because I was, too."

"Great."

"Yeah, great."

"And now?" Sam asks.

"You give me time?"

"I'll give you time."

.

* * *

><p>.<p>

_A/N: Here goes. I know what I'm doing, yay, working towards an end in the next chapter. It would be eight as I said! Also, I only found out about this song yesterday and it's this fics theme song I swear. So beautiful!_


	8. And Now I Cling To What I Knew

**And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.****  
><strong>**And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.****  
><strong>-Mumford & Sons – After The Storm-

.

* * *

><p>"Sam?"<p>

Sam looks up from the newspaper he was reading.

"Yeah?" he asks.

"Remember how I told you to give me time?"

Sam nods.

"I didn't tell you to give me space."

Sam quirks an eyebrow and neatly folds his newspaper close.

"You mean, you want to be with me until you decide to actually go and be with Kurt?"

Blaine shrugs.

"Not exactly, I don't want to favor one over the other before I know anything for sure, but to know for sure what I'm supposed to do I need to live like I used to and we used to be close. You've barely spoken to me in the past few two days and how am I supposed to choose between two people who are ignoring me?"

It's all very slow as Sam stands up and strides towards Blaine to kiss him softly on the lips and then wrap his arms around him to hold him tight.

"You can't choose people who are ignoring you," he says, "but I'm not doing anything more that sweet kisses and hugs, because if you we do and you end up choosing Kurt my heart will break."

"A broken heart is hard to heal," Blaine says.

"It would be better if it would only crack," Sam says poetically, "I'm not sure if I'll survive if it ever breaks."

"Are you trying to blackmail me into being with you?" Blaine mumbles into Sam's shoulder, but Sam heavily shakes his head.

"No, I think my heart would break further if you were with me for me. I want _you _to be happy, you deserve to finally be happy after all these years."

"It's strange," Blaine whispers, "finally after ten years I've found love again and I'm still unhappy."

It's the first time he's ever admitted it aloud and a strange relieve washes over him.

"I don't know how to be happy," he says and he's waiting for tears, expecting them to show up anytime but instead he heaves a deep enlightened breath and gets out of Sam's hold.

"For the first time in ten years I feel like maybe I can find out again."

He doesn't say that it probably is because for the first time in ten years he's around Kurt again.

.

* * *

><p>.<p>

Even if they talked about it and Blaine has been so open to Sam, there is still an uncomfortable vibe in the air. Blaine knows he's going to have to make a decision and it is hard because he can't.

His routine has slightly changed.

He works his normal hours and after school he sits in on Glee Club rehearsals, Kurt is in town for two weeks and he and Kurt have spent two rehearsals together ever since they talked.

Will keeps smiling at them as if he _knows, _though Blaine is not sure what Will exactly _would _know, it's not like they are back together yet.

After rehearsals Blaine gets in his car and drives straight home. It's strange not to pick Sam up from the garage, but Sam's foot is still in a cast and Burt doesn't want him to klutz around and knocking stuff over.

Blaine's pretty sure Burt just wants Sam and Kurt as far apart as they can get, because somehow Burt knows about the whole 'we both want to be with Blaine' situation.

It's so surreal, two people wanting to be with him when he thought no one would ever want him.

And the weirdest thing is that he doesn't know who he wants to be with. Every time he sees Kurt his heart skips a beat and his stomach turns inside his chest, butterflies make him actually nauseous when they are so close he can smell Kurt.

However, every time he is around Sam it feels like home. It feels like he is where he belongs and Sam is so patient, giving him all the time he needs but still somehow able to show him affection. Even if it's all a bit strangled and uncomfortable, Sam is doing his utmost to please Blaine without forcing anything.

Blaine feels like it's the first time in ten years that he is actually able to look people in the eye and those people are Sam and Kurt.

At the moment, Kurt.

"It's the first time since we, you know."

Kurt nods.

"Me too," he says before he turns.

"A grande non-fat mocha for me and for my friend a medium drip with a crystal."

Blaine smiles.

_Smiles._

"You know my coffee order," he says.

"Yes," Kurt answers and then in a whisper, "you look so gorgeous when you smile."

Tears almost immediately spring into Blaine's eyes.

"Hey," Kurt hushes, "hey, that's nothing to cry about. You know how beautiful I think you are," Kurt softly stroked Blaine's hand before taking it in his and kiss the knuckles softly.

"Finn told me you never smile anymore," he says, "it's a shame because you're smile is the best thing about you. Especially your eyes and how they shine when you smile."

I love you.

He doesn't say it. He can't. Not while he's still not sure what to decide.

"I have to go," he says and promptly leaves Kurt in the Lima Bean all by himself. He feels Kurt's eyes on his back, but he can't stay with Kurt and be so overwhelmed with everything he feels while Sam Is on the couch at home bored to death with his foot in a cast.

He can't be like that while Sam still thinks he has a chance.

No.

While Sam still has a chance, period.

.

* * *

><p>.<p>

"I thought you were having coffee?" Sam asks, but as soon as he sees Blaine's distraught face he gets up and limps towards him, to wrap him in a tight hug.

"What's happened?" he asks softly, but Blaine only answers strangled sobs.

He's not ready to do all this, it all happened so soon. Three weeks ago he was just a miserable teacher who never went out, had one roommate and three colleagues he somewhat communicated with and that was it. That was his life.

It was a life of lying in bed, calling in sick almost every other week and feeling sorry for himself.

It was a life where he had thought of how the world would maybe be better off without him, though he never really considered to take his life. He just wondered if anyone would actually miss him and the answer he had come to was that no, no one would really miss him.

Now he had Sam who was giving him all the time in the world, who holds him so close while he knows these tears are for another boy.

For Kurt.

Kurt, who made him smile, who made him smile and mean it. Who made him smile and realize it.

For Kurt.

"Please hold me," he whispers to Sam and even if Sam is already holding him so close, he somehow grips him tighter.

"I would lift you," he whispers back, "and take you to the bed, but my foot is in a cast and I'm kind of clumsy so we should probably walk."

Blaine knows Sam is probably in pain and he should help Sam walk, instead of the other way around but he can't find the strength to offer so he just follows him slowly and as Sam crashes on Blaine's bed, Blaine lets himself collapse next to Sam and curl up beside him.

This is so much better than curling up in a ball and crying himself to sleep alone.

Still, he cries himself to sleep.

.

* * *

><p>.<p>

There's a familiar noise that Blaine vaguely registers as the landline phone no one ever calls anymore. Because really, they have one for cases of emergency and it's their shared phone number for people like their landlord, but apart from that Blaine had sort of forgotten landlines actually exist.

He does, however, immediately register the heavy weight and scratching feeling on his lower leg that comes from Sam's casted foot resting over him. Blaine reaches behind him and fumbles around on the nightstand to try and find the phone and why again was this landline phone installed right next to his bed and not in the living room where it wouldn't have woken him up?

"Hmmblaineanderson," he mumbles sleepily, not really caring to try and articulate.

"Is this Blaine Anderson?" a nasal, flat voice asks.

"Yes," Blaine answers, trying to recognize the voice.

"This is principal Figgins from McKinley High. You are hereby fired."

Blaine sits up with a start, waking Sam in the process.

"What?" he almost shouts.

"I warmed your roommate last week, if you were to call in sick again you were fired. You didn't call in sick today, you just didn't show up so you are fired."

"I'm sorry, principal, if you had called me awake when school started I would've been there within five. Give me ten minutes and I'll be there."

"We have tried to call you seven times on your cell-phone, then we tried mr. Evans's cell-phone number and none of you replied. This decision is made and you cannot say anything against it. You have been sick for far too many times, Mr. Anderson, we cannot allow it anymore. Too many classes of you have been cancelled and we are obligated to offer our students enough classes a year to pass all their tests and exams. We already found a sub, so you can come by tomorrow to handle last formalities. Goodbye Mr. Anderson."

With that, Blaine is sure he just lost his job and can't do anything about it.

That is when it clicks in his mind.

"I'm sorry," he says to Sam.

"I'm sorry, I have to go and find Kurt. I'm going to New York with him."

Sam looks confused and still a bit sleep hazed.

"Figgins just called me. Apparently I slept through my alarm and several phone calls today, I'm fired since they warned me last week. This is all a sign, I'm going to New York."

Sam takes Blaine's arm and pulls him back to the bed, Blaine's head falling to Sam's chest with a loud thud.

"Just give me fifteen minutes," Sam whispers, "fifteen minutes with you before you leave."

Blaine doesn't cry, because he is making the right decision and he knows for sure. Kurt is who he's supposed to be with.

"I'll still see you, Sam, when we come back for Christmas and other holidays, or when we have a few days off. I'll still see you."

"I know," Sam says, "but it won't be the same."

"It won't be. I'll be happy," Blaine says.

"Then I'll be happy, too," Sam says before Blaine gets up, grabs his keys and heads out to the garage, sure that Kurt's there.

.

* * *

><p>.<p>

"I love you, always have and always will."

Kurt laughs and outright laugh.

"Really, Blaine, could it get anymore cheesy?"

"No, but I don't care, it's true. I loved you the moment we met on that staircase, I loved you as long as we were apart and I will love you for the rest of our lives that we'll be together."

Kurt gets up from Burt's desk chair and it's still a bit surreal that they are having this conversation at the shop in the small office where Blaine has sat so many days with Sam, but they just really need some privacy and this is as private as they can get.

"I'm fired from my job, so I am free to go," he says cheerily and he actually _is _cheery.

"Wow," Kurt says, "that's not really the reason I hoped for."

But Blaine takes Kurt's hands in his and looks him in the eye, really looks him in the eye.

"I want this Kurt, because it's always been you. It's always been a Kurt and Blaine story and it always will be."

"Really?" Kurt asks.

"Really," Blaine reassures him.

"But what about your life Blaine, you're leaving your whole life behind here."

"What life?" Blaine asks honestly.

"I lost my job, Will and Emma are only friendly with me because they have known me for so long and Sam and Finn will get along without me. I haven't been the best of friends to them, pushed them away because of my depression. It's time for me to start a new life and I want to do it with _you."_

Kurt nods.

"And what about Sam, why do you choose me over him?"

"Because he is here," Blaine says, "he is here and my life isn't. It was a nice idea to be with him, to be with someone who _knows _me like he does but he's not the one I've dreamed of the past ten years, he's not the one I've been miserable about. That's you and only you. You're the one that broke my heart, you have all the pieces that I was missing, so only you can put it back together."

"So this is it?"

"This is it."

.

* * *

><p>.<p>

_A/N: Ha! Finished, at 2:12am, have mercy!_


End file.
